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The funniest things you have ever heard while controlling.


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It happened to me recently that I couldn't vacate the runway and couldn't figure out why. It turned out I'd landed without gear. The controller had sent me a .contactme on final and distracted me. It

meanwhile on Belux Vacc OO-BET: approach this is OO-BET declearing an emergency, engine failure. APPROACH: roger emergency services are on the way to your currect position OO-BET: ooo there's a fie

A usual occurence on Heathrow, slightly worrying some members can't seem to operate a comp[Mod - Happy Thoughts]   ATC: BAW123, Push and start approved, face North. Pilot: Push approved, face Nor

I was flying, but I think it qualifies anyway

 

EGPX: BER6RH Tweed1a arrival runway 24

BER: Tweed1a runway 34

EGPX: Negative, runway 24.

BER: roger runway 24.

BAW4DF (now guess who this may have been ): Scottish hello BAW4DF, we would like runway 34 if you can build one for us please

EGPX: BAW4DF Tweed1A for runway 24, erhm, I'll get back to you with the request

 

I don't think I was the only one laughing

Johan Grauers

Event Coordinator - vACC Scandinavia

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Last night this tale of woe was told to me by a fellow controller whilst we where both controlling at the time adjacently

 

ATC, Sir taxi to Holding point Juliet and hold, aircraft inbound.

Pilot, "What! are you nuts"

 

The pilot then promptly took off from the taxi way, and proceeded to slew through his airspace then mine in an attempt to catch up with his buddy out in the Bristol Channel. My colleague dot wallloped him and when he explained to the sup what had happened the sup came back with,

 

"hmmm he's not slewing now"

 

I think both qualify as rather funny.

 

Wycliffe

Wycliffe Barrett: C3 Controller

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"if god meant for us to fly, he would have given us tickets" Mel Brooks

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  • 1 year later...

Pilot: "Delta XXX requesting SELCAL check."

Center: "You're requesting a WHAT check?"

 

New York Approach: "Turn left heading 180, stop your climb at 3,000."

Pilot: "Turn left heading 180."

New York Approach: "Stop your climb at 3,000 unless you want to make a new airline with United."

 

On Unicom:

 

United pilot: "What does the callsign stand for?"

Me: "Air Kevin 124 heavy."

Delta pilot: "You're that Air Kevin guy."

Captain Kevin

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i thought id never hear it, but this actually happened in the real world at my home airport (KTMB) last week. forgot the aircrafts tail number though, was definitely one of the foreign students at one of the flight schools lol.

 

Tamiami Tower: N12345 say heading

 

N12345: heading

 

silence goes over the radio for a few lol then when tower calls again you can hear the other controllers laughing in the background lol

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i thought id never hear it, but this actually happened in the real world at my home airport (KTMB) last week. forgot the aircrafts tail number though, was definitely one of the foreign students at one of the flight schools lol.

 

Tamiami Tower: N12345 say heading

 

N12345: heading

 

silence goes over the radio for a few lol then when tower calls again you can hear the other controllers laughing in the background lol

 

OMG i almost wet myself when i saw that LOL

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Not hilarious, but made me smile :

 

CTR : "Turn right heading 3 3 0, descend 5000 thousand ft, QNH 1019"

Pilot : "OK, right heading 3 3 0, descending 5000 thousand ft, squawk 1019"

 

I wasn't expecting this here...

Thomas Merle

VAT France ATC Training Director (ACCFR2)

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American: "American XXX is lined up on runway 22 right."

ATC: "American XXX, caution wake turbulence departing Boeing 747, fly runway heading, runway 22 right, cleared for take-off."

 

A minute and a half later....

 

American: "American XXX is lined up on runway 22 right."

ATC: "American XXX, after departure, fly runway heading, runway 22 right, cleared for take-off."

 

Fifteen seconds later....

 

Me: "He can't be serious."

Chautauqua: "Yeah, I don't see him moving."

 

A minute later....

 

American: "American XXX is still lined up on runway 22 right."

ATC: "You're cleared for take-off, sir. Fly runway heading after departure."

Captain Kevin

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New York Approach: "United XXX, you're too high, you might want to go around and try again."

United: "Can we try to make the approach?"

New York Approach: "If you do, it'll be suicide. I'd go around and try again if I were you."

Captain Kevin

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To an extent, RW if we consider an aircraft is "dangerously positioned on the approach" we have to instruct them to go around. Also if the monitoring systems used to monitor the approach gives certain types of warning we have to issue a go around instruction.

 

Normally this would apply to aircraft below the correct approach path, but in theory I think it could be applied to very high inbounds too.

 

Realistically do what I do is ask the pilot "are you happy to continue this approach" and if they say yes then they can continue.

Johan Grauers

Event Coordinator - vACC Scandinavia

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Pilot: "Delta XXX requesting SELCAL check."

Center: "You're requesting a WHAT check?"

 

New York Approach: "Turn left heading 180, stop your climb at 3,000."

Pilot: "Turn left heading 180."

New York Approach: "Stop your climb at 3,000 unless you want to make a new airline with United.""

 

Was he flying continental?

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Pilot: "Delta XXX requesting SELCAL check."

Center: "You're requesting a WHAT check?"

 

New York Approach: "Turn left heading 180, stop your climb at 3,000."

Pilot: "Turn left heading 180."

New York Approach: "Stop your climb at 3,000 unless you want to make a new airline with United.""

 

Was he flying continental?

I don't think so, although I don't remember which airline he was flying. I think it might have been Delta. That one was from a while ago, but got lost when the forum was reverted to the backup from last year, so I reposted it as best as I could remember it.

Captain Kevin

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Pilot: "Delta XXX requesting SELCAL check."

Center: "You're requesting a WHAT check?"

 

New York Approach: "Turn left heading 180, stop your climb at 3,000."

Pilot: "Turn left heading 180."

New York Approach: "Stop your climb at 3,000 unless you want to make a new airline with United.""

 

Was he flying continental?

I don't think so, although I don't remember which airline he was flying. I think it might have been Delta. That one was from a while ago, but got lost when the forum was reverted to the backup from last year, so I reposted it as best as I could remember it.

 

Lol i was trying to make a united/continental merger joke.

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Me: You are leaving my airspace and no further ATC available. Resume own navigation, change freq to UNICOM. Have a good flight and landing. Bye.

 

Pilot: Thank you

 

Pilot: Where is UNICOM?

 

Me: UNICOM 122.8, bye

 

Pilot: Contect 122.8?

 

Me: Confirm

 

Pilot: Confirm what?

 

Me: You can contact UNICOM 122.8

 

Pilot: What is 122.8?

 

Pilot: XXXXX tower?

 

Me: UNICOM 122.8, bye

 

Pilot: thank you, contact 122.8

Han Cui (1193569)

Senior Controller (C3) & VATSIM Online Pilot (P1)

VATPRC Deputy Director (VATPRC2)

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  • Board of Governors

A few gems from last night.... Apparently I sat down and started controlling during an Amateur Night event, and I didn't even see it posted!

 

Pilot: Boston Center, I'm with you.

BOS_CTR: I'm glad we're on the same page; I feel better now. The only issue is that I control over 165,000 square miles of airspace. How about another clue....

 

Pilot (not the same one!): Boston, I'd like to taxi.

BOS_CTR: Super! I've got 128 airports in my airspace. Which one of those are you at this evening?

 

Pilot: Sir, where is my push to talk button?

BOS_CTR: Well... I'd say you're pressing it right now to talk to me!

 

Pilot (on the ground at KJFK, not in Boston's airspace): Can you give me a taxi over?

BOS_CTR: You want me to call you a cab?

 

Pilot (another one on the ground at KJFK, a different one than the previous, about 1.5 hours later!): Hello, I'd like a taxi to Boston.

BOS_CTR: Um, OK, sir. Your best bet is to go down to the sidewalk, hold one hand out while simultaneously whistling really loud with the other hand. And, you'd better have a lot of cash! Suggest you contact Kennedy Tower on 119.1.

[5 minutes later I get advised by JFK_TWR that a NORDO just departed without clearance headed my way.... Guess who!]

Don Desfosse
Vice President, Membership

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When I first talked on VATSIM as a pilot and made silly mistakes, controller in a very busy tower took his time to explain to me what I did wrong and made no fun of my mistakes.

 

Had he responded the way you did, I'd probably not fly on VATSIM. Prior to big forum bang I even started a topic to thank everyone how helpful they were.

 

Just sayin'

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Ah, Marko, I do understand. These are just small snippets from a long controlling session last night. I, of course, was as helpful as possible to the folks. Those who know me will vouch for the fact that I try to help and teach every time I am on VATSIM. I even remarked several times, no problem, I was new once too. Taken out of context, I see how these could seem mean, but in totality, they were hopefully quick quips to keep the energy and levity high while also attempting to [Mod - Happy Thoughts]ist folks. I apologize for the lack of context, and appreciate your point of view.

Don Desfosse
Vice President, Membership

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Me: You are leaving my airspace and no further ATC available. Resume own navigation, change freq to UNICOM. Have a good flight and landing. Bye.

 

Pilot: Thank you

 

Pilot: Where is UNICOM?

 

Me: UNICOM 122.8, bye

 

Pilot: Contect 122.8?

 

Me: Confirm

 

Pilot: Confirm what?

 

Me: You can contact UNICOM 122.8

 

Pilot: What is 122.8?

 

Pilot: XXXXX tower?

 

Me: UNICOM 122.8, bye

 

Pilot: thank you, contact 122.8

 

Why the answer "confirm"? Confirm means "I request verification of: (clearance, instruction, action, information)". If you want to answer in a positive (ie "yes) then the word is "affirm", or for a "no" it's "negative". I'd be very confused if I got the answer "confirm" to a question.

 

Then again, in that case it probably didn't matter But being the pedantic person I felt I should point it out

Johan Grauers

Event Coordinator - vACC Scandinavia

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Center: "Air Force One, descend and maintain 8,000."

Air Force One: "Descend and maintain flight level 8,000, Air Force One.

 

Approach: "American 620, cross runway 22 right, taxi to the ramp."

American: "Cross 22 right, taxi to the ramp, American 620."

Air Force One: "Tower, Air Force One, somebody's crossing our runway, we're going to collide."

Approach: "Air Force One, go around, you're lined up for runway 22 right, you were supposed to land on runway 22 left."

Captain Kevin

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A few gems from last night.... Apparently I sat down and started controlling during an Amateur Night event, and I didn't even see it posted!

 

Pilot: Boston Center, I'm with you.

BOS_CTR: I'm glad we're on the same page; I feel better now. The only issue is that I control over 165,000 square miles of airspace. How about another clue....

 

Pilot (not the same one!): Boston, I'd like to taxi.

BOS_CTR: Super! I've got 128 airports in my airspace. Which one of those are you at this evening?

 

Pilot: Sir, where is my push to talk button?

BOS_CTR: Well... I'd say you're pressing it right now to talk to me!

 

Pilot (on the ground at KJFK, not in Boston's airspace): Can you give me a taxi over?

BOS_CTR: You want me to call you a cab?

 

Pilot (another one on the ground at KJFK, a different one than the previous, about 1.5 hours later!): Hello, I'd like a taxi to Boston.

BOS_CTR: Um, OK, sir. Your best bet is to go down to the sidewalk, hold one hand out while simultaneously whistling really loud with the other hand. And, you'd better have a lot of cash! Suggest you contact Kennedy Tower on 119.1.

[5 minutes later I get advised by JFK_TWR that a NORDO just departed without clearance headed my way.... Guess who!]

 

And in the middle of all that you had some moron in a CRJ deviating for storms over SYR minding his own business flying into BOS as unobtrusively as he could. The nerve of some people!

Dhruv Kalra

VATUSA ZMP ATM | Instructor | VATSIM Network Supervisor

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